Thursday, June 07, 2007

Demolition Men

What would you term an organisation that has only men as its members (and that too ONLY men whose marriages are in various stages of disarray, some of them going through messy divorces and some on the verge of getting there), that seriously advises men not to get married as almost every potential spouse is a manipulator?
That insists that family laws in India should be amended to keep pace with the US as it is easy to get a divorce out there in just six months?

This organisation, ladies and gentlemen, is called--well, you lost the guess--Save Indian Family.
I shall say no more than direct you to this blog, written by a young girl who, it appears, doesnt belong to the feminist conclave, but is horrifically disturbed by what SIF stands for.

I got to know of the existence of a rump of this organisation in Chennai a few months back, and had not paid too much attention for I thought it was just a gripe club. I couldn't have been more wrong. This is no ordinary support group for men who gather together to exchange notes about painless divorces. Rather, they seem to have a surefire strategy to boost membership-enlist more members, even if it means wrecking perfectly normal marriages. The law of averages, I guess.

Here is how it goes: a friend ( who till then had been quite happy with his marriage but had had a few heartburns in an earlier relationship) chanced upon this group and dropped in on one of the meetings just out of curioisity in "finding out how other men coped."
He was perhaps the only married man in the group who attended their meetings after discussing about the forum with his wife. There seemed to be no misunderstanding, at that moment.
The motley SIF, Chennai, comprises of men, who are gainfully employed otherwise but would rather stew in the stench of the past than simply get along with life.
For a few weeks, all was well with my friend. The indoctrination must have been ever so subtle for the man never showed up any trouble and even invited his wife to attend one of the weekly meetings.
Then, whoosh, the kaleidoscope changed. The trouble started manifesting in ways in which the couple could not have foreseen. From then on, every little domestic tiff became a potential minefield, every small argument blew up in their faces and they ended up averaging two fights a day.
To be fair to them, they did talk about talking and getting things sorted. Thing is, it never happened. All those women-hater tales about scheming, manipulative wives who were after their husband's pay packets, ready to slap a dowry harassment case at the slightest pretext and throw the man's aged parents into jail--had obviously found their mark.

This is not to say my friend is as impressionable as all this sounds. In his better avatar, he was a sensitive individual, well read and articulate and with a mind of his own. But then, you are what your peer group makes of you.

To cut a long story short: when the friend brought up the issue of his own troubled marriage amongst the group, one of the ever-so-helpful leaders promptly helped him find a lawyer and asked the friend to henceforth discuss (DISCUSS!!) all domestic quarrels with the lawyer first.
So, now, the lawyer has a tab on the couple's life.
And of the marriage? I'll save my breath.

SAVING INDIAN FAMILIES? Laughing out loud!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, I appreciate your interest in saving your friend's family. Absolutely nothing wrong. You have been seeing just one side of the coin and prrpably vehemently oppsosed to know what things really are. As you said you have been just hearing lopsided tell tale stories. If put forth with our problems, can you help in sorting out. Have your innocent parents been behind bars. Have you undergone the ordeal.Just then you will be in a better position to comment. Loose your family, happiness, property and social morality. Then comment. For your kind information the organisation is called SAVE INDIAN FAMILY and not SAVE INDIAN MEN.Only when you get headache and toothache you will know what pain is. We are undergoing the same. With half a knowledge, kindly do not become a typical feminist.If the women folk does something grossly wrong can you save happless men. Can you frame a law to punish the misusers. We at SIF are ready for that.

NO REGARDS
R.ARVIND

Vani said...

Arvind:
Thanks a lot for all that angst.
It does help that I get to hear your side too.
As a victim--or someone who thinks of himself as a victim--your right to vent your frustration is fully justified.
Just as you speak from a deep personal anger, please understand that mine too is born out of an anguish in seeing a perfectly normal relationship wrecked.
As for your queries as to whether I have 'undergone the ordeal' myself, my answer is this: one does not need to be a rape victim to know the agony of rape.
My quarrel with the organisation is not that it was formed to give moral support to men who have been unfairly implicated by 498A: I would be glad indeed if SIF really worked for that cause.
My opposition is that under the guise of challenging 498A, you seem to be campaigning against the institution of marriage itself, as suggested by your blog which advises against marriage.
And also that, under the pretext of trying to save families, you are advocating unitarian ways of solving disputes which, to me, smack of bigotry and a very narrowminded view of what makes a marriage work.
Also, as Subhangi pointed out in her blog, your generalisations about women seems far too sweeping.
Just like I vehemently oppose neo-feminist views that all men are schmucks, I totally reject SIF's stand that all women are manipulators.
Just because some of you have not had happy marriages, does not give you the right to decree that all marriages are rotten inside.
Thanks for your suggestion that I look at both sides of the coin, may I suggest you follow your own advice?
If you call yourself Save Indian Family, then what the hell are you doing, going about doing just the opposite?
Summing up: if you have a just case against some women, by all means fight for your rights.
Refrain, however, by making it an ideological tussle against all independent, free-thinking women.
Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I agree with what you said but then why waste time on writing about such organisations which are run by women-haters?
By doing this, I only think you are unknowingly giving them more publicity.
Such men will never succeed and if this is how they are, then there is no wonder their wives left them.
No right-thinking person can live with such types. Please dont waste time worrying about them.

Vani said...

Swetha:
Your irritation is well taken..but then, you seem to be doing much the same mistake that SIF is doing...seeing things piecemeal.
No, I am not unknowingly giving them more publicity....just last week, the organisation even held a press conference, with an actor as its star speaker! They sure know their marbles!
The organisation is made up of men with a gringo-sized victim psychology.
My only suggestion: next time you or anyone known to you even mentions the organisation's name within earshot, run a mile!
Ciao.

YUVA said...

I have no choice other than agreeing with you, because what you had mentioned is truth. Though, things are getting changed. The normal opinion arousing when a divorce is applied is that it might be because of that man who involved. What about the other side of the coin. Whats the probability that it wasn't started by her. These things wont get better anyhow. Its all independent of gender. A bad guy is always a bad guy in the given circumstances and vice versa.
And i want to conclude that am not at all supporting that organisation. Totally against it for sure.

Vani said...

Yuva: thanks for the support. Your concern for the 'other side of the coin' is legit. Only that, in the SIF's case, the coin never gets tossed!
And, did I ever say 'she' would never be resposible for a divorce? Play fair, fight fair, is all I ask.

Anonymous said...

Never quite got it... How can anybody hate women? :(